Keep Going.

DON’T STOP.

Be sad, but don’t let anyone know you’re sad.

Be kind, but don’t let people take advantage of you.

Be a good mom.
But, not too good of a mom.

Let your kids see you’re human.
But don’t let them see you cry.

ASK FOR HELP.

But, don’t need a certain type of help.

Be confident.
But don’t be too confident.

Don’t let that person hurt you.
But don’t show emotion when you stand up for yourself.

Keep moving forward, while giving yourself grace.
But, don’t make a mistake.

Don’t judge others.
But, don’t shut down when judged.

Don’t screw up.
Remember, Nobody’s perfect.

---

How does anyone expect to live under these unwritten rules?

We are all guilty of projecting this kind of backward thinking.
Most aren’t going to admit it.
Then some-

like me-

internalizes it.
Blames themselves and tries to be careful not to “offend” someone again.

THEN,

the overwhelming pressure and life’s unpredictability take over.
And the human-me-has been quiet too long, because it’s expected.

I get generations are raised different.
I know that some people are different.
I know someone else’s views shouldn’t be the only perspective.
But like every contradiction this world lives in,
you have to be mindful of the judgments.

Don’t assume the worst out of people.
Don’t map your approach to future interactions based off one previous interaction.

But don’t let someone fool you.

Stand up for yourself,
but don’t blame someone else for hurting you.

“You shouldn’t have been so vulnerable.”

---

I feel like a pot of hot water on the stove.

That somebody forgot about.

The water starts to boil over.
The pot gets thrown to the side.
Slammed in the sink.
Damaged.

The pot may or may not have had a defect.
But, it was neglected,
and then blamed for not sustaining.

The pot better be ready to back on that stove.
Time and time, again.
Without showing the damage.

Even a pot burns if the burner gets too hot.

Withstanding fire-made for it, actually.
Expected to deal with people’s neglect.
And still do it’s job.
Always.
Perfectly, without showing showing human error.
Or else: trash and replace.

---

I feel guilty for being hurt.
I feel guilty for being overwhelmed.
I feel guilty for someone hurting me.

I feel guilty for being human.

I give grace.
I offer forgiveness.
No limit to “second chances.”
Resolution is always possible.
Not always repair, not always rebuild, but resolution….always.

The guilt trips that conflict the actions.

“If you need anything…”
“Here take this, I know you need it…”
“Why are you so upset? Here let me do that for you…”

Always followed immediately with
“I DO EVERYTHING…”

The worst part?
I take it, and take it, and take it.

I don’t want to.
But-if I say something:
I’m

• unappreciative
• entitled
• difficult
• emotional
• stubborn
• selfish

This isn’t irrational thinking.
This isn’t all in my head.

This is what the support is like in my life.

I need help.
No matter how many times I try to do it alone…
I can’t.

I know this.
But- I can’t handle the bullshit that comes with it.
The guilt trips,
reminders if I don’t do it exactly like the support would.

I can’t say anything.
I can’t do anything.
Because I need the help.

I know that nobody else made my choices.
I’m not blaming the help for the abuse.
I do blame a sad man who hurts because he hurts.

So I ask for help from the ones who I should rely on.
Not strangers.
The ones who rely on me, for a lot.
And the expectations, guilt, and humilation is awful.

I hate this.

I hate it for myself.
I hate it for my children.
It’s sucks because they’re view of their mother is distorted.
I’m here, but we are still here.
They don’t understand the logistics.
They do understand the environment is not okay.

I just want to run away, far away.
Just the kids, the dog, and me.

But-I don’t want something I didn’t earn.
I don’t want too much help.
I don’t want the unwritten owed debt.
It’s always been that way.

It’s different now.
I’m different now.

I hate that it feels like this is going to end in tragedy rather than safety.

But, hope keeps my resilience in tack.
My hope for humanity, for kindness without condition…
My hope for the one person to show up with the same intent I do.
The intent to help be stay grounded, and capable.

I really believe I can do this.
Without someone, anyone filling the space.

I am enough.

I’ve always been enough.

I can see potential with credibility in myself.

But-if it shakes the image someone else created for me.
It’s like it’s impossible to accept it.
it’s harder that I am hurt and emotionally raw and charged from being isolated and manipulated for so many years.

I am capable.
and for the first time in my life, nobody has to tell me that.

People helped in ways to get me to this point.
Some intentional, some unintentional.
But at the end of the day…
I got here.

I see the conditions that I have had to live in.

But I’m changing conditions.
that doesn’t mean I want to do it alone…

But letting someone close has the label of “DANGER!”

This temporary fear…
This intentional caution…
And this lonely experience…

This is how the “unwritten rules” have brought me to.

And I won’t stop.

Rules matter.
I follow rules.

Sometimes…

Rules need challenged.

So new ones can be written.

The world’s changing…

Don’t stop.