I have a motivational quote app that sends me little spurts of motivation and optimism throughout the day. 

Today one has hit me hard in the gut. Mainly because it’s what I should have and will be saying to you….

I don’t expect you to meet those standards; I demand it. 

There is no more of this. 

I hate that life has gotten to where it has. 

And I hate that I let my emotions cloud my reality. 

I can’t go anywhere. 

This isn’t some big epiphany in which I realize my worth 

and with a snap of my fingers, leave this mess. 

No.

I don’t have the option.

Instead, I’ll just practice this new way of looking at how my life is going to go.  

And one day—

 when you don’t live by the simple yet important standards I have set for my life.

Then desperate actions to change our living situations will become reality.

I hate who I’ve become with you. 

I hate how when I’m around you, I hate myself more.

You bring out a part in me that I don’t know—

and honestly—I don’t want to know. 

I think I love you. 

I think I have abandonment issues.

 I think those two mixed is a bad thing.

I think you set the stage so now I am stuck in this never-ending cycle of bullshit. 

Those I think.

What I know is—

the only time I have no hope,

or strength,

and my desire to change is gone,

is when I’m with you.

I hate who you’ve become. 

I hate that you don’t care how much pain and stress you put on all of us. 

I hate that you don’t have any respect for us or yourself. 

I hate that you play games with my head. 

I hate that I hate. 

I think my life has the potential to change and become better.

 The only time I doubt it is with you. 

I am constantly waiting for the next coincidental disaster you are weirdly close to that negatively affects everything positive I’m doing. 

My guard is up 24/7.

It’s ready for when the stress comes. 

Then the way you make me feel like there’s something wrong with me for having a negative emotional response to a stressful situation.

 One that—in the end—

I will ultimately fix—or try to fix—my wrongdoing.

All while you continue the cycle. 

This is exhausting. 

I hate the way my brain works sometimes.

 I hate that I want to “figure you out.”

 I want to know why you do what you do.

 And how to help you see the negativity of it.

That’s the problem though.

You don’t care. 

That’s so difficult to fathom. 

And some days I know it.

Other days it’s like my brain can’t compute the whole thing.

So I try again. 

Failure is just a learning experience. 

Until it becomes a cycle and touches the surface of being utter insanity.

I’m not a glutton for punishment. 

I don’t wake in the morning hoping to have my heart erupted from my chest. 

I don’t go to bed feeling complete when my world shatters from the events of that day. 

All of it is painful. 

I hate pain. 

I try to do everything to avoid it.

 So why can’t I avoid the aspect of my life that causes the most?

One day,

it will all click. 

My enlightened self will let go and move on. 

I wish that was today—

but it’s not. 

I’m getting closer though.

Every day that you hurt me—

I’m closer to leaving and farther from staying. 

I don’t think you care either way. 

This tug and pull has literally become a 

battle within myself.

A battle between my pride,

my brain, 

and my heart. 

You have no ambition in anything except getting your next dopamine fix.
I don’t give that to you anymore. 

I feel like I’m on borrowed time. 

You’ve been done for months—

you just are too lazy to really end it. 

Not because you love me, 

but because you don’t care about anything anymore. 

I hope you find something worth making your life better.

 I wished it was me—

but I am aware it is not. 

I almost want to thank you for letting me figure things out without throwing us on the street.

But I also hate you for putting me through this hell. 

Love isn’t supposed to feel like this. 

I’m ready to be loved the way I deserve by someone who deserves to be loved the same.