“Let the guilt go.”

Ha.

Easier said than done.

My brain is a guilt factory, and it’s got the highest production numbers.

I feel guilty for needing to distance myself.
For stepping back from people, places, things—
Anything connected to him.

I know why I have to do it.
I know it’s justified.

But that doesn’t stop the guilt from eating me alive.

Because what am I supposed to do? Tell the truth?

Tell people from his world what’s really going on?

There’s no positive outcome in that.

Right now, I need to focus on trusting myself again.
To learn how to recognize who is truly in my corner.
And I don’t just mean in my relationship.

I mean in life.

Right now?

I feel alone.
I feel uneasy.
I don’t feel safe with anyone.

And I know this is part of the process.
I know that.

But knowing doesn’t make it any easier when you’re still living it.

It’s terrifying.

Knowing that the person I love
The person I built a life with
The person I still want to believe in

Has spent years using every manipulation tactic in the book.

And now?

I have to accept it.
I have to deal with it.
I have to heal from it.

And that?

That is devastating.

Because if he can do this?

If he can twist reality so effortlessly—
If he can turn me against myself—

Then who else has he manipulated?

Has he built a false version of me in their minds?
A version I unknowingly helped create?

Has he convinced them of his story without even saying a word?

It sounds insane.

And maybe that’s the worst part.

Because it makes me doubt myself.

Even now.

Even knowing the truth.

And that?

That’s how deep the gas-lighting runs.

aThe guilt is unbearable.

Because it’s not just about me.

The kids.

They have friends in this world.
People they love.
Connections I don’t want to break.

But how do I separate myself from him
Without isolating them too?

Am I protecting them?
Or am I projecting my own pain onto them?

Has the gas-lighting and manipulation
Seeped into my parenting?

Have I sheltered them too much?

Or worse—
Have I let them see too much?

How do I set boundaries without making us feel even more alone?

It’s terrifying, knowing how much this relationship
Has altered every aspect of my life.

aHow much it has rewired my brain.

So I shut down.

I push people away.

I add to the one-sided narrative he created.

Because what else can I do?

I don’t even trust myself right now.
How can I trust anyone else?

Every interaction feels like a test.
Every conversation feels like a trap.
Every relationship feels like a risk.

And I don’t even know who I am anymore.

I’m sitting here crying
Because I can’t even talk to three people I love the most.

Three people I trust with almost all of me.

Because I know they’ll see it.

They’ll call me out.

And what can I do then?

Cry?

Tell them “It is what it is”—
Even though I hate those words with every ounce of my being?

I can’t even have a normal relationship with my own family.

Because I know what this is.

And I know if the roles were reversed.

If this was happening to one of them-

I would scream at them to run.

But I can’t be the cause of that pain.
I can’t be the reason they worry.

I am the big sister.
The oldest daughter.
The first mom of the crew.

I should be guiding them.
Supporting them.
Holding them up.

Not being the one who needs looking after.

Not being the sad, pathetic, abused “housewife.”

I can’t believe this is what my life has turned into.
I can’t believe how small I feel.

How scared.
How timid.
How quiet.

This is the worst cluster of emotions at one time.

But I’m not giving up.

I refuse.

I will keep taking my baby steps.
I will take my giant leaps.

I will get stronger.
I will rebuild my self-worth.
I will become who I was meant to be.

And things?

They will get better.

They have to.