I love him. I really do.

When we’re good, we’re great. It’s like we move in sync. Almost effortless.

But lately, we’re more than opposites.

We’re kryptonite to one another.

And it’s breaking my heart.

I just want to live the best life with my partner in crime.

I miss the way he laughs. I don’t hear it much anymore.

I miss his smile-the way it used to light up a room.

I miss when he was sweet, when I felt unstoppable with him by my side.

When things were good, the world felt like it was ours.

But now?

I feel small.

I feel weak.

I feel scared.

This man he’s turned into- he’s angry, unreachable, and mean.

He’s lost in his own resentments.

Angry at everyone except himself.

Sad but unwilling to fix it.

And all of that? He’s projecting on me.

He hurts me everyday. All day.

And I’m running out of reasons to stay.

But leaving? That feels impossible.

So I weather the storms.

I dodge the blows-physical, mental, emotional, it doesn’t matter.

I hold on.

But I’m getting weak.

I’m tired.

I’m injured.

I don’t think I can survive this fight anymore.

It’s already gone.

I miss him.

I miss my best friend.

I miss the love of my life.

It feels like I lost my forever.

And I feel pathetic.

Used.

Stupid.

Worthless.

And yet I still wonder…is walking away really my only option?

Fast forward a Day…

Do I even want this?

After last night-after everything-do I?

The same patterns. The same cycle.

Does he care enough?

Does he care at all?

It’s so much easier to see it clearly when I write it down.

Or when I say it outloud.

But actually doing it?

Actually walking away?

Feels. Impossible.

I know I should throw in the towel.

I know I’m delaying the inevitable.

But part of me doesn’t want to deal with the disaster of a break up.

The dividing of belongings.

I know that if this ends, it’s going to be messy.

I know that I’m going to lose so much.

And what about the kids?

What about their home, their friends, their school, their life, their security?

I just want a family where love, forgiveness, and laughter are the foundation.

But with him? Those things seem impossible.

I don’t want a perfect life.

But I do want to enjoy my life.

And I want that for my children more than anything.

I already know what I should do.

I just…